Dear European Guy in the Gym Locker Room,

How about covering your dick?

I'm already in a bad enough mood when I walk into the gym after a shitty day at work, knowing I have to spend 30 minutes sweating my own balls off on the elliptical when what I'd really rather be doing is lying on my couch with a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies and watching Paranormal State. The last thing I need to see as I'm being bombarded by the putrid reek of musclebound sub-verbal XY's is your uncut wang dangle. It's kind of hard to miss, what with it being surrounded by that massive bush you have.

And that's another thing: Could you maybe do some grooming so if I absolutely have to see your cocksmanship, at least it doesn't look like an uncooked bratwurst poking through a giant slice of Black Forest cake? I happen to like bratwurst and Black Forest cake, and your donk is ruining both of them for me.

Cover your dick!

Thank you

PS - Guy in the locker room who lotions his junk: Why do you lotion your junk? Seriously, I'm totally in the dark on this one. The only other guy I ever saw do this was Jamaican, and I assumed it was like the problem black people have with dry elbows. I mean, really, nobody wants an ashy johnson. But you, you're a white guy. If you're longfellow gets ashy, who's going to notice? And anyway, why isn't your dork getting enough moisture? Are your nethers the only nethers that don't get enough moisture? In that case, may I suggest corduroy pants?