300 and 1

George Washington Carver


Most of you probably recognize him as the so-called genius who invented 300 uses for the peanut. You might think PB&J would applaud a man who found so many ways to present that most honorable of legumes. However, PB&J knows the truth! We know that Carver didn't stop at 300. We know that Carver developed another use--one that he never told anybody about, but the fruits of which he is only now beginning to reap.



Need proof? Here is an article from 2002. And another from 2004.

And another.

And another.

And another.

Allergic to peanuts?! Whoever heard of such a thing?

Now, I didn't actually read any of those articles, I just scanned the blurbs I got on Google. But I think the headlines make it pretty damn clear that this is all part of George Washington Carver's elaborate plan to get revenge on the white man for slavery.

Be strong, fellow Americans! We won't let the Jews take all our money. We won't let the Mexicans take all our jobs. And we certainly won't be scared of a black man's peanuts.

You hear that, Mr. Carver? That is the sound of freedom filling it's mouth with your nuts!

An Open Letter to Mr. Peanut

Dear Mr. Peanut,

Just where do you get off? I see you, walking around with your tophat and cane, and that high falutin' monocle of yours, and I want to know just who the heckfire you think you are? You think you're better than the rest of us? Is that it? Well, nutboy, I got news for you: You ain't.

See, my daddy taught me the best thing a peanut could ever do was to up and make itself into peanut butter. That's the spirit of cooperation. That's the spirit that made this country the best country on God's green earth. It's why the terrorists hate us: they don't like us trying to spread our peanut butter all over their backwards hellhole.

You ain't helping, Mr. Peanut. You with your fancy duds, all duded up like a fancy Mr. Fancy. It's cuz a' you the terrorists won't even try any peanut butter. You're a classist and a racist and a very, very bad (peanut) man.

Get some dirt on your spats and join the rest of us workin' folks who's trying to make this nation even greaterer than it is.

Sincerely,
PB&J

Peter Pan - Satan's Nutter?

PB&J will support any boycott of Peter Pan brand peanut butter.

As we all know, Peter Pan has a companion in the form of a fairy named Tinkerbell. Fairies are not mentioned in the Bible, and therefore clearly promote paganism and heathenism. Is this how we want to raise our children, in the image of a man-boy who openly cavorts with the forces of darkness?

And now that I think about it, there's also a good chance that Peter Pan himself is a kiddie diddler. In the story, he never grows up and continues to play with children well past the age of decency.

Satan and pedophilia? Not on my sandwich!

Let me know if anyone needs help mounting a campaign to get this terrible influence removed from store shelves and return honor to our nation's markets.

Fluff

The Fluffernutter sandwich is the retarded cousin of PB&J. Its parents bring it over one Saturday a month and PB&J has to spend the day watching out that the other sandwiches don't pick on it, that Fluffernutter doesn't eat bugs or dig in the trash, and that Fluffernutter's helmet stays on properly.

At the end of the day, Fluffernutter's parents take it home and put it back in the Cage of Shame where it belongs. They go to bed crying, wondering if they're being punished for all the drugs they did and all the free love they had in the '60s.
(They are.)

Fluffernutter has special medication to keep it from flipping out and having seizures.

Fluffernutter is the sandwich that is giving you the finger as the short bus rides by.

One day, you will walk into a public restroom to find Fluffernutter standing in there naked, without its bread on, asking you if it can see your "crunchies."

The Bread

Well, this is going to be a short discussion, because there's really only one bread you can use: Wonderbread.

Some people tell me they use Pepperidge Farm. I politely smile until they go away. Then I call the Department of Homeland Security hotline and give them whatever info I have on these traitors.

Pepperidge Farm what? Might as well be the official bread of them Al-Qaedas.

The Jelly

I use Welch's Grape, because that's what Dwight D. Eisenhower would have used, I think.

Smucker's has been around a while, so they're probably acceptable as well.

There's this stuff, Polaner All Fruit? If I want fruit, I'll go to Costco and buy a gross of maraschino cherries. Besides, Polaner sounds French to me. And, frankly, I'm tired of helping those people out. Wasn't WWII enough for them? Jeepers!

The Nutter

Ok, which is best: Skippy, Jiff, or Peter Pan?

Creamy, crunchy, or super crunchy?

I've seen organic brands and sugar-free brands out there, but they don't seem very American to me. I thought that nice man Ronald Reagan killed all the Communists right before he lost his mind.

Did I miss any brands?

The Sandwich

I just had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the first time since I was a kid. Remember when we were kids and we watched cartoons and now all we do is talk on the Internet about the cartoons we used to watch. We are so insightful. And I plan to be just as insightful about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

This is not the place to talk about the Zips you just bought.

This is not the place to talk about the rerun of Jabberjaw you just watched.

This is not the place to talk about the Robilon from Mars commercial you just saw on TV.

This place is about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Mine was tasty.

How was yours?